Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hacked Off!

Well, it's true. My amazing wife hacked into my blog - well, that wasn't too hard. She asked me for my gmail address and password so she could check on which Redbox receipts had come in. Fool me once, shame on me, right?! Anyway, with a little help from a certain sister-in-law that, during her last visit, admitted to enjoying being mean (Sarah, I'm looking your way!) - these two made me realize something very important. I am really bad at laughing at myself. I mean it. (Sorry about that, Leah.) So, in an attempt to get over that glaring fault, I thought I'd better clear up some of my top 10 - and no, I don't generally use the word "moi"!

1. I am a thespian and you're not! Well, there is just no denying this one. I am, in fact, a Thespian. If you're not familiar with the Lawrence Applebee's, you probably don't know that my picture once adorned those walls. Yes, I was voted "Best Actor" in Lawrence High School in 1992. I received a theater scholarship from the University of Kansas. I was a theater major for my first semester at BYU. In fact, I'm acting right now. You probably couldn't even tell!

2. I persevered through chemo and unlike Laman and Lemuel I chose not to murmur (1Nephi 3:7). Leah was perhaps too kind on this one. I recall many Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights complaining about how crappy I felt. Did I try and kill my brothers for it? As far as Joel and Chris know, I did not. Let's just say I'm happy that part is over.

3. I lost 70 lbs. in 3 months (for weight loss tips please contact me at Yes, my weight loss was dramatic. I'm thinking about doing a weight loss infomercial to play at 1:00 in the morning on ESPN. "I had a malignant tumor growing in my belly - AND SO CAN YOU!" Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I've gained about 40 pounds of that weight back. Not quite as big as I was, but definitely bigger. You could even call me "beefy". Also, I don't know where that email address will go. Do I now have an account at Leah, Sarah, a little help?

4. I've been taking tae kwon do this year and I'm pretty sure I could kick the crap out of you (leah won't let me sign up for UFC). Sadly, this one is a complete fabrication, unless you count the karate I do at home with the kids, which basically entails me getting kicked in the shins and the forearms until someone inevitably goes for the boy spot and spoils all the fun. Can you imagine me in UFC, though? Are you allowed to fight with a shirt on?

5. Leah Fosse married me she is quite the sexy lady. This is true all all accounts. I definitely married up. I'm still expecting to come home from work one day to a note that says, "Finally realized I could do better than you. Don't forget to empty the dishwasher. Leah." Seriously, I had a dream a couple weeks ago where she told me she was marrying a guy from our ward because he would be a better provider. Talk about popping the self-esteem balloon!

6. I know that through all of my afflictions I have become SUPER humble!!! Like in that one scripture that says something about willing to submit to all the the gnarley stuff that the Lord seeth fit to conflict at me. Here was another tip-off to the hack job. Anyone who knows me knows I could have been humble, but when the Jayhawks won the 2008 National Championship, the humble ship sailed. That's right! National Champs! As Tina Fey recently said . . . No, I'd better not go there.

7. I was in a band in High School, I was the dancer (not quite Merit Badge but still pretty bodacious!) Another true one that Leah loves to share with all who will listen. This was a garage band trying to play Pearl Jam, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and lots of Nirvana. My job as a dancer was to get the mosh pit started. So we (there were two of us) would run out and start crashing into each other and to anyone near the stage. It was awesome. Still, it's true. Nothing compared to Merit Badge.

8. My love of mayonnaise, as most of you know, is almost a fetish. But now that we live in Vegas I enjoy it in Popsicle form. YUM! YUM! You should try it. Leah failed to mention some key ingredients here. First of all, it's Miracle Whip, not mayo. That would be disgusting. Second, you have to mix it with frozen lemonade concentrate. It's perfect for ward socials. Seriously, someone served this as a dessert on my mission. In pie form with whipped cream on top. My companion ate the entire pie. I'm surprised he lived through the night.

9. In these perilous times I have decided to renew my membership with the NRA. Wanna meet at Bass Pro Shop, upstairs to check out their latest selection of handguns and other weaponry. Seriously, this is just good advice. Who hasn't done this? What if the government tries to take our guns? Haven't they read the constitution!!!!!

10. Last weekend I got had boudoir photos taken to hang in our love nest (she will so not be able to keep her paws off of me). Will post at a later date. How Leah found out this little secret, I'll never know. But now that the cat is out of the bag, the photos have been destroyed. The surprise is ruined. But, don't worry, I'm ordering her Valentine's Day present from Bass Pro Shop.

So, there you have it. As for the play list to the right, I can't complain. Those are some great songs. I may add to them, but I certainly won't be taking them down. Also, I don't know how to take it down or add to them.

And, finally, to my wife and my sister-in-law. You know what they say about payback, right?


Kristin said...

Too funny.....I can just see Leah and her sis rolling on the floor laughing at their little hack job- good job girls, it was pretty entertaining!!!

Zimm said...

The best part of this is how I emailed Joel yesterday and was like, "Dude, I'm worried about your brother." I wondered if maybe you lost more than some weight over the last year! Hilarious.

shoeless joel said...

I know we haven't seen each other in a while, but I was pretty sure I knew you better than that.

Also, some of those chemo weekends I felt vicariously bad for you.

Maybe it was actually you trying to reach out and kill me in your murmuring.

Beth said...

I like Miracle Whip. I like lemonade. I am never making your weird combination.

Leah said...

I second what Kristin said we are too funny, and we were rolling on the floor!

Sarah said...

I'm still laughing!! Thanks for being the butt of our joke and brightening up the worst month of the year for me. (I might have to do this on an annual basis.) I'm glad you're man enough to take it. Seriously, most aren't.

Tessie said...

Matt- your a good man to take this. Ben would be plotting revenge as we speak.

Matt said...

Who says I'm not?

mom/diane said...

I am so happy that I learned new things about you by reading this post. I was worried about the last one.