Explain It To Me Like I'm Five-Years-Old

It finally happened. I have to be honest, I wasn’t prepared. I really didn’t think she’d ask me this early. I mean, she’s only five. She’s not even in kindergarten yet. But, there she was, looking up at me with those big, brown eyes and hoping for an explanation. How could I get through this? What could I possibly say that would help her understand? How did she figure out so much so soon? She shouldn’t be burdened with this knowledge at such a young age. Heck, I shouldn’t be burdened with this knowledge in my early 30s. But, the realities of life came crashing down on us – father and daughter together. That’s right, my oldest daughter came to me and asked the one question I didn’t expect. And it slapped me across the face like the cold, winter wind on the Kansas prairie. “Dad, are the Royals bad?”

For the last five years, I’ve taught my kids the same thing during baseball season. In our house, we cheer, “Go Royals!” and “Boo Yankees!” That’s just the way it is. I’m a Royals fan and I feel it is my natural born duty as a father to pass my love for all things powder-blue down to my posterity. And, so, when we tune in to a baseball game, no matter who is playing - we barely ever get to SEE the Royals play anymore - we cheer, “Go Royals!” or “Boo Yankees!” They call their New Jersey cousins and yell, “Go Royals! Boo Yankees!” We go to T-Bones games and call “Go Royals! Boo Yankees!” (My kids are still young enough that this is cute, trust me.) We listen to Denny Matthews on the radio and shout, “Go Royals! Boo Yankees!”

However, with football season upon us and the Royals preparing to set franchise records for failure, we decided to break out the next round of cheers – the winter cheers, “Go Chiefs! Go Jayhawks! Boo Raiders! Boo Wildcats!” (By the way, the “Boo Wildcats!” cheer has been particularly difficult to impart because my children believe anything involving cats must be good. How can I possibly overcome this potential developmental roadblock in their young lives? Maybe I’ll just let the school system deal with it – except what are the colors of our elementary school? Purple and white! My kids may be doomed!) So, we’re calling out the cheers and remembering that a football is brown and pointy and kind of looks like an egg, when my oldest chimes in with a “Go Royals!” This is fine until her three-year-old brother reminds her that the Royals don’t play football. Forget the fact that he tells her they play basketball. That’s not important. I’m still a good sports-fan father! Finally, my three-year-old daughter declares that we can no longer yell, “Go Royals!” at which point the five-year-old is reduced to tears.

When I finally get things calmed down, my oldest starts asking me questions. I should have seen where this was going, but I was busy cleaning up spaghetti sauce and didn’t catch on in time. She starts with the simple plea, “Daddy, I can still say ‘Go Royals!’ right?” I tell her of course she can. “Daddy, are the Royals still playing?” They are playing a game tonight, I say. “Daddy, are you going to cheer for them?” Here’s where I made my mistake. I told her I hoped they would win, but they hadn’t played well against this team – the Chicago White Sox – all year. I thought it was over and she even walked away for a few minutes. But, suddenly, she was back and the question was out of her mouth and I was caught, “Dad, are the Royals bad?” What could I do? I’m not big on lying to my kids, which meant saying they were good was out. So, I told her the facts: this year, the Royals have not won very many games and are probably going to finish last. Her response was simple: “Oh.” Disappointment – one of the worst things to see your kids experience.

Now, maybe I’m making too much of this. Maybe she doesn’t care because at this age, sports isn’t about the competition and the winning and the money and all the other things that we love and hate about sports as adults. For a five-year-old, it’s really about doing something together with her dad. And that’s wonderful. But, there’s going to come a time with one or more of my kids when they look at the Royals and say, “Is this really the team I want to be rooting for? Is it really fun to see these guys play?” Of course, my hope is, when that time comes, the answers to those questions will be “YES!” Maybe then, the Royals will be competitive again. Maybe Major League Baseball will figure out that the disparity between the haves and the have-nots is killing the game in two-thirds of their markets. Maybe the Glass family will decide, “To heck with Wal-Mart, let’s build a winner in Kansas City!” It’s possible. We can hope.

But, for the here and now, those of us doing our best to raise a future generation of Royals fans are really stuck. You see, for a five-year-old, there are different kinds of bad. There’s the bad taste of foods they don’t like or don’t want to eat – lima beans, salmon, rye bread. This kind of bad varies from night to night depending on moods and levels of exhaustion. Then there are cartoon character bad-guys they see on television – Syndrome on “The Incredibles” or that blue guy on “Kim Possible”. Those guys are bad because they fight against their heroes. Then there’s the kind of bad the means you’re not very good at something. It has recently come to my kids’ attention that I am a “bad” rollerblader – I fall down or wave my arms or skate into the grass. If you’ve never had a five-year-old and two three-year-olds demonstrate pity for you by pretending to fall off their bikes or skates to make you feel better, you should try it sometime. It is both hilarious and demeaning at the same time. Anyway, this is the kind of bad we’re talking about when we discuss the Royals. When it comes to putting a quality baseball product on the field, the Royals are most definitely bad. And, for my three kids, unless it involves Dad falling on his rear in the driveway, this kind of bad is not that much fun.

So, what do we do now? As fans, what can we do? Our team is bad. In fact, our team is really bad. They are so bad that, even though most of their prospects are already playing at the major league level, you never see the Royals mentioned when baseball experts talk about “can’t miss” players. Apparently, most of our top prospects could just as easily be sacking groceries in five years. For an organization claiming to be rebuilding through youth, this is really scary. The best prospect we’ve seen in years – third baseman Alex Gordon, the number two draft pick out of the University of Nebraska – remains unsigned in a contract dispute while the worst pitcher in the major leagues – Royals’ right hander Jose Lima – continues to pile on “performance incentives” based not on quality baseball but on number of starts and innings pitched. He will probably make $3.75 Million this year. Buddy Bell was brought in to restore good, quality fundamental baseball. I don’t see it. The difference hasn’t been all that great to me, and the losses continue to pile up. The mainstream sports media treats the Royals like little kids trying to grab a seat at the adult table. “Oh, isn’t that cute. The Royals are playing again. Let’s take a look for some laughs. Okay, now back to the major league schedule.”

Now I hear we are getting ready for phase two of the Allard Baird rebuilding plan – also known as the acquisition phase. Big signing number one? Matt Stairs. I know, he’s not an actual acquisition but a re-signing. Still, the first salvo fired in phase two of the acquisition phase is a middle-aged outfielder with mild power? Look, I like Matt Stairs. I think every team needs a Matt Stairs to fill in every fifth day in the outfield or pinch hit once a series. But to claim him as a cornerstone of the rebuilding effort is not filling me with confidence in a team that says they want to be competitive in the division. And besides, wasn’t Stairs brought to Kansas City originally during the last time Baird started targeting big names? As I recall, the 2004 acquisition phase included the likes of Benito Santiago and Juan Gonzalez – also known as Rally Killer. And the results? The worst team in the history of Royals baseball – until this year. So Baird’s track record of bringing in impact free agents isn’t all that impressive, either. What are we shopping for this year? A front line starting pitcher, a power-hitting corner outfielder and an impact second baseman. The payroll is expected to be in the mid $50 Million range. Not awful, but still between a third and a quarter of the payrolls of the big market contenders. And, the Royals are fully aware they will have to throw extra money at big names just to convince them to play in Kansas City. That may have been the most painful sentence I’ve ever written. Professional athletes – the cut-throat mercenaries of our day – don’t want to play for a team this bad. How sad is that? Kansas City used to be a baseball town. I think that feeling died with Ewing Kaufman.

Amidst all this talk of big names like Kevin Millwood and Todd Walker in Royals’ blue for 2006, there’s this little nugget: The front office is now claiming they knew this year would be painful because they wanted to evaluate the talent already in house. I understand the need to constantly check the progress of our young players. I’m pretty sure that’s why each major league team has at least three affiliated minor league teams and the September call up period. But did we really need to throw away an entire major league season for this? And if they knew this was the plan going in, why not let the rest of us know up front? And, putting on my moralist cap, isn’t that a bit dishonest to be fully aware that you are putting an inferior product on the field and still charging full price for tickets, parking and food? Does any other business work this way? Doesn’t Wal-Mart itself put products on sale when trying to evaluate the consumer demand? Does any other major league team operate this way? If they do, I sure don’t see it. Even the Devil Rays and Rockies aren’t arrogant enough to claim they weren’t really trying this year.

I’m resigned to the fact that Baird is going to get at least one more year. For all his claims of “phase two”, I’m pretty sure we’re up to “The Nightmare at Kaufman Stadium Part XVI”. We all know Buddy Bell will be back. Maybe he’ll overcome his lifetime record as a manager next year and turn into the second coming of Joe Torre. I think we’ll see some different names on the jerseys next year, but I don’t see a lot of really big names that will be on the market and in the Royals’ price range. Whoever comes to town will join David DeJesus, Mike Sweeney and the immortal Matt Stairs to compete for the American League Central crown, exclusive rights-holder of getting swept in the first round of the playoffs.

However, amidst all this excitement for a new year of Royals baseball, we the fans need some guarantees. I want someone in the Glass family to acknowledge that this is the last chance for Allard Baird. If the Royals are not playing meaningful games in September next year – within five games of the division title or A.L. wildcard, give the man his walking papers. I’m sure he’s a nice enough guy, but he hasn’t done the job here in Kansas City. I’m starting to wonder if it’s just laziness and the Glass family doesn’t want to go through the hiring process for a new general manager. Get over it. We deserve someone else.

I want a year-long moratorium on talk of a new stadium. Right now, the Royals don’t deserve anything new. When the team is on track to shatter the franchise record for losses, I don’t want to hear anyone from the Royals’ front office attacking Jackson County’s management of the Truman Sports Complex. Win first and we’ll discuss a stadium later.

Finally, it’s time for the Kansas City Royals to be fun again. The best way to do that is to field a winner. You do that, and people will be in the seats and having a great time at the K. However, if that’s too much to ask, then take a lesson from the T-Bones and try some gimmicks. For a team approaching 100 losses, Buck Night and fireworks aren’t enough. Let the fans throw pies at Lima. Let five lucky winners try and hit a homerun. Have everybody dress like their favorite Royal from the 70s. I’d definitely be sporting a big, bushy moustache like the Quiz, a toothpick like U.L. Washington or thick rec-specs like Darrell Porter! How about a contest for best imitation of George Brett in the pine tar game? If you can’t make the ballpark a fun place to be, you have no business in baseball.
Baseball is all about fun. It’s about laughing and cheering and winning. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Kansas City wants to support major league baseball. We want to spend our evenings at the stadium. We want to yell “Go Royals!” and “Boo Yankees!” We’re all here just waiting for the Royals to make the first move. But, for the vast majority of us, money is too tight to come to the ballpark and watch bad baseball. We’re nearing ten years of “rebuilding” and not being competitive. As that trend continues, more and more kids are going to realize they don’t have to root for the Royals. Not with the Red Sox and Cubs and even the Yankees on TV three nights a week. Rooting for a contender means you always have a good answer when your daughter asks, “Dad, is our team bad?”