A Whole Lot of Nothing I

I wasn’t moved this week. That’s all there is to it. I looked and looked for something that would inspire me to write a complete column that I could post on this space. What did I come up with? Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. But, that’s okay. That allows me to introduce a new feature, called “A Whole Lot of Nothing”. These are simply random thoughts about different things. They won’t be interrelated. It won’t be the normal flow. To me, each of these thoughts are free-standing, but I just don’t have enough to create a full column out of them. So, enjoy and feel free to chime in with how you feel. In the meantime, go ahead and click on the link at the top of the page. You’ll be glad you did. (In reality, unless it’s an ad where you win a million dollars, I’ll be glad you did probably more than you. I believe in truth in advertising! However, if you do win a million dollars, I want a cut!)

1. The Major League Baseball playoffs

I promised no more musings about the Kansas City Royals until next year, and I am going to be true to that promise. In fact, that should be pretty simple since I’m talking about the playoffs and the Royals haven’t sniffed the post-season since the early 90s.

I was much happier when the playoffs finished up on ESPN and moved to FOX full time and I’ll tell you why – Joe Morgan. I respect the fact that Morgan played 2nd Base for many years in the majors. I respect the fact that he was a very good player. (Contrary to popular belief, I refuse to admit Morgan was the greatest 2nd Baseman of all time. That appellation belongs to a certain recent Hall of Fame inductee who played at Wrigley and wore number 23.) Anyway, why is it that, every third sentence Morgan speaks during a broadcast must include some reference to the fact that Joe used to play major league baseball? Is it in his contract? Or does he just think that his career was the benchmark against which all other events in major league baseball must be compared? And, more importantly, how does Jon Miller not strangle him? Joe, we get it. You played major league baseball. Enough already.

By the way, congratulations to the White Sox and their fans. Now, unlike those whiney fans in Boston, I don’t want to hear any more complaining. You got your championship. Your ownership is willing to spend enough money to let you compete. Remember the vast majority of major league baseball fans know in mid-March that their team is not going to be hoisting the trophy.

2. The National Football League

Contrary to popular belief promoted by NFL broadcasters and sports writers who are “in the know”, Patriots coach Bill Belichick is not the smartest man in the world. He coaches football. He hasn’t found the cure for cancer. Heck, he’s only been really good with 50% of the teams he’s coached. If he is such a genius, why didn’t the Browns win the Super Bowl while he was in Cleveland? It’s more than just one coach, guys. And, in case you haven’t noticed, the Patriots are barely surviving in a really weak division this year. So let’s stop acting like the Nobel committee needs to make a stop in Foxborough.

Frankly, this argument goes for Teddy Bruschi, too. The doctors said he could play and I respect that. But, let’s not get too excited about what he’s doing. He’s a football player. He’s not fighting in Iraq, or some other hot, nasty, dangerous place. The recent FedEx Ground commercials featuring NFL players are great. You know the ones, some office work shipping problem comes up and so someone throws out a football analogy and Jerome Bettis or Joe Montana runs in and says not to take the football analogies too far and just use FedEx ground. Good stuff. The NFL needs to apply that to the Bruschi situation. He’s a football player guys. Ease up.

3. The beginning of the NBA season

I’ve watched parts and pieces of a couple of games so far this season. My reaction? One giant yawn. Every year, I go through the same routine with the NBA. I try to get excited. I try to pick a team to follow. I say to myself, “I am really going to try and enjoy the NBA this year.” But it just doesn’t happen. Why? The vast majority of games are unbelievably boring to watch on television. Isolation. Shoot. Brick. Rebound. Fast break. Defense recovers. Isolation. Shoot. Brick.

Now, every once in a while, you’ll see a player take over a game – like LeBron James or Dwayne Wade or someone else. That’s pretty exciting, but it usually only lasts a few minutes of one quarter. The only offense worth watching last year was in Phoenix, but they are struggling to find their groove this year with Amare Stoudamire hurt. So, we are one-forty-first of the way through the regular season, and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Thanks, NBA. See ya next year!

4. The BCS

I’m a playoff guy. Always have been. I think, if you’re going to crown a champion, it ought to be definitive. In college football, the bowl system and the new and improved BCS is anything but definitive. It’s a muddled mess of great teams that will never get a chance to face each other, so they all pat themselves on the back and say they are number one, but the truth of it is, we may never know.

Right now, there is potential for four teams to finish the season undefeated. USC, UCLA, Texas, Virginia Tech and Alabama have not lost. USC and UCLA play each other in December, so one of those two will have a loss. But four teams could claim to be number one when the bowl invitations come out. In fact, I'm rooting for this to happen. The Bowl Championship Series is designed to establish who the best two teams in the land are so that they can play in the “National Championship” game in early January. (The fact that the college football season no longer ends on New Years Day is a story for another time.) The super-important BCS formula is comprised of several polls, several “important” statistical factors, the most powerful computer in the world, two chickens that only lay eggs on Saturdays and a dog that can bark the chorus to “Sunrise, Sunset”.

Now, with all these very impressive factors contributing to the formula, you’d think they’d be able to come up with something that makes people happy, right? Wrong! In fact, in the history of the BCS, only the friends and families of the winning team have ever been happy with the outcome of the BCS title game. Everyone else spends January 4, 5 or 6 trying to figure out why this team didn’t get a shot or saying how that team was playing better football than the so-called “champion”.

And, my absolute favorite part is when the powers that be claim they can’t go to a playoff system because it would take too long and keep the student-athletes out of class for an extended period of time. Like they’re really that concerned about the study habits of Texas quarterback Vince Young! It’s ridiculous. It’s all about money and sponsorships. So, here’s my solution: Use your precious BCS poll and move the top 8 teams into the playoff, with one exception. If any team is undefeated, but not in the top 8, they get moved into the top 8 automatically. Then, it’s a simple, three week playoff to decide the champion. Get off your scheduling high horse and get it done!

Now that I think of it, this idea is going to take more time. I’ll devote a full column to this later. You just wait! It’s going to be awesome!

5. Everything else.

An American icon, no doubt. But, do you think Rosa Parks ever got tired of photographers asking to take her picture on or near a bus? Just wondering.

I watched “Starship Troopers” the other day on television. That has to be one of the greatest movies of all time. It makes me laugh just thinking about Rico, Dizzy, Ace and the gang. “C’mon you apes. You wanna live forever?”

I should really spend more time playing board games. They are fun, even though I usually lose to my wife. My favorite board game is “Beyond Balderdash”. What’s yours?

All you can eat restaurant buffets are never as good as you think they’re going to be before you sit down. A lot of that food has just been sitting out for too long.

My favorite idea for the rebuilding of New Orleans is the one where all the buildings are on stilts and encased in giant bubbles. That would be awesome.

Every time I see Tom Cruise, I hope this it the time when his head actually explodes and the Martians pop out of his skull. And it pains me to have to say that about Lt. Daniel Kaffee.

At what point do you say to yourself, “I’m a grown man. I’m the Chief of Staff for the Vice President of the United States. I’m going to stop going by ‘Scooter’.”